Since I have been called up for jury duty, but have not yet had to appear, I have been considering ways to avoid it. So, without further ado, here is my list of the top ten ways to avoid serving on a jury.
10. Refuse to answer to my slave name.
9. Hit on all the lawyers (regardless of gender).
8. Try to convince the lawyers of Pyrrhonic skepticism. (Especially effective if they are asking for my name.)
7. Stand up in the courtroom and loudly ask whether any homeless people can take my place for the princely sum of $ 20/day.
6. Answeryay allyay estionsquay inyay igpay atinlay.
5. Scream, “Off with his head!” as soon as I see the judge.
4. Answer all questions with a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ depending on whether the question ended with an even-numbered letter of the alphabet or an odd-numbered one (starting with letter ‘a’ as the number 1).
3. When called up, sing, “You can get anything you want at Alice’s Restaurant,” and walk away.
2. Answer every question truthfully.
And, finally, the number one way to avoid serving on a jury, follow George Carlin’s advice:
1. Some people try to get out of jury duty by lying. You don't have to lie. Tell the judge the truth. Tell him you'd make a terrific juror because you can spot guilty people [snaps fingers] just like that!